Reality

A month has gone by and all month I have mixed up my days, hours even the month. I'm reading everything below and it's amusing how far my emotions have come since I started writing.

The past few days have been so strange. My head in one place, my heart in another, reality doing one thing and my emotions were trying to avoid it.

A decision was bound to be made and I almost made the decision myself, but didn't get a response from a conversation I tried to start. It was supposed to lead in to my decision making.
That's ok though, I don't know if I would have gone through with it. Either way a decision has been made to move forward, turn the page, head in to the next chapter...
I forsee my next chapter being so different from this last one. Not better or worse just totally different.

I have discussed my reality over and over and now I'm just exhausted. Last week was amazing and there was hope and the word "when" instead of "if" was used. I had a feeling that these past few days would slowly flush all of the ""when" away and the "if " would manage to take over. Funny what time does to people and emotions and decisions.

Sad... yes
Hard... yes
So many things we never got to do...
And wow!!! 6months...

I'm nervous about where my emotions are headed, but I'll feel better when they get to a different place. Somewhere other than where they are now.

reality...
realistic...
real...
really...

*EXHALE*

CLICK

I avoid doing or saying sometimes to avoid reactions that I don't want or situations I don't want or emotions I don't want, but in reality, things I don't want...
still happen *sigh*
My instincts have always been right. They seem to be wrong in regards the this matter, every time I think I know, the complete opposite will happen...
I want a remote control...
It only needs to have 2 buttons...
Play & Fast Forward...
No Pause! No Stop! No Rewind! No Record!
Just Play & Fast Forward.
Is this too much to ask for???
Two Buttons?
What if I promise to press each one only ONCE???

Coincidence?

Pulls the collar of your shirt up over you chin when your sitting on the couch or laying in bed...

Becoming the person you want to be...

Happy in every facet of life, but 1...

Passionate about life...

Enjoys making people happy, especially the one you love...

Loves to dance...

Loves to laugh...

*wrote and never posted...

Just In Case You're Wondering

Was that unexpected?

Absolutely!

Was that totally amazing?

Beyond my imagination!

Did I think it would ever happen again?

Can't say that I did.

Am I glad it happened?

You have no idea!

Have I wondered since then?

You bet!

Do I think about you any less?

Probably more!

Should I hesitate to think of you, write about you, dream about you, worry about you, see you or love you? Maybe. Perhaps. Possibly. Not quite sure.

Will I hesitate to think of you or write about you or dream about you or worry about you or see you or love you???

*something I wrote and never posted...

P.S. I LOVE YOU

ok, so i'm not sure what frightens me more...

scary movies or dramas or love stories...

scary movies are just scary.

well, now they're just beyond scary, they're horribe!!!

dramas are sometimes scary because they're possiblities and real life situations and they make you think and wonder about your own life.

love stories are scary because...

so, this sounds strange right?

let me explain.

P.S. I LOVE YOU...
it took me forever to watch this movie because i heard it was sad.
a love story that's sad...
that's really scary!

when i finally watched the movie, of course i cried, but for a strange reason.
i cried because i wanted what the characters in this movie had.
funny thing, i was in a relationship and i was sad because i wanted to be in a relationship with passion and desire and love and lust and like and preference.
i was so far from that kind of relationship it made me really sad. i watched the movie at my parents house and of course cried during the movie, then again on the way home. well, i was going to my house, a great house with a decent life and a negative partner with whom i shared a horrible relationship. how scary and sad.

anyway, i'm watching this movie tonight and realized i won't be sad this time, not the way i was last time because i now know that the kind of love the characters share in the movie does exist and it is real. i have felt passion and desire and love and lust and like and preference and although this is relationship has a ... at the moment, i'm just really happy ive been able to experience these feelings with someone special.

he makes me feel like im in the movies a fairytale a dream a wish a preference.
in the movie the characters mother disagrees with their relationship because she says "she loves him too much..."
"loving too much" hmm...
i think the loss, regardless of how or why you lose, not the feeling, but the person who makes you have these feelings, that's what makes it scary.

To Have Loved and Lost

Than to Have never Loved

hard to swallow, but i think it's true...
PSILOVEYOU

Preference VS Need

"Adult Relationships based on Need are Vulnerable..."
"Adult Relationships based on Preference are Strong..."

So this past Sunday was an emotional day. Obviously I am in the middle of ''something'' emotional and through this last month, my mother has taken the brunt of all my...

well...

I guess we can call it...

"Manic Behavior."

UGH!!!

My moods have been on a roller coaster!!! This entire year has been quite a ride, but maybe we'll discuss that later?

Anyway... back to this "Manic Behavior." I really don't know what else to call it. I think I've hit the nail on the head with "Manic Behavior!"

I keep saying it in my head and it sounds umm...

Manic! LOL

If you know me, you know that I have self control, I am positive, confident, strong willed, ambitious etc.

So, to think my behavior seems Manic is... absurd!

I am human, I have emotions and I express my emotions, but September has been unimaginable!

A few things to consider...
#1 What I am experiencing is... I'll be vague and say... IT SUCKS!!!
#2 I did start taking Birth Control earlier this month, enough said right?

(*sigh* i hate taking meds!!!)
#3 My Love Interest... denrelototx... This Someone... He... Him...
My relationship with him is??? ...

I have felt like a "Crazy"!!!

One of the "crazy" girls that you and I both know exist and are quite common. We have all met not just one, but several in our lifetime. I don't consider myself to be common or crazy and all I've been doing is behaving like a "crazy"...
Oh NO!!! I've been a "common crazy girl!!!"

*sigh*

So back to Sunday...

I decided to hang out with my brother. I was finally ready for a small change of environment and in need of some new faces. I felt my brother's company would do the trick and it did :)
After being at his home for a little while (he was watching the game and I was reading my book and tuning into the exciting plays when they happened) he finally asked, "So what's been going on?..."

I was strong enough to give him a brief explanation in regards to my recent distance and behavior. He started talking to me about a communications class he is taking and referred to some notes he had written down. On this page were several intriguing topics, but what immediately caught my attention was
"Adult Relationships based on Need are Vulnerable..."
"Adult Relationships based on Preference are Strong..."

Whoa!! Wow!! and WTF!?!? all ran through my mind!!!

Earlier that day I read my horoscope and it stated...
"You should be going through some strange mental upheavals today -- but they're almost all good for you! Expect some weirdly symbolic moments and deeply resonant conversations throughout the day."

I don't think I need to explain my reaction now, right?
The two "adult relationship" statements kept replaying in my head and I realized why everything I was going through seemed heightened.
#1 and #2 reason played a role, but my Preference VS my Need explained #3.

I kept asking myself...
Do I need him? or Do I prefer him?
repeat...
Do I need him? or Do I prefer him?
repeat...

The past 5months were flashing through my mind... everything we have experienced together, everything we've been through, decisions we have made, people we have met, emotions we have discovered and ignored and accepted...
All of it just played through my mind and I realized I don't Need him, I Prefer him!

I've Needed someone before...
STUPID!
Live and learn!
I learned!

I was in a Need relationship for WAY too long... I needed the security. I think it really all boiled down to security. Fearing other possibilities and not taking into consideration that Preferred Possibilities were possibilities too!

ANY Relationship I'm in...

I Prefer

I prefer to keep most people acquaintances and some people friends

I prefer to have strength in my relationships

I prefer to be with "This Someone"

because of the strength I feel in every facet of our relationship.

So my preference to be in an "Adult Relationship" explains my "manic behavior" or what I'd rather call (after coming to this realization) my "Strong Reaction"

Confused?
I'm not... :)

This Someone Is Someone Special

A few days ago I wrote someone a letter.
I spent the afternoon with this someone and it was...

INDESCRIBABLE!!!

Really, I can't think of any other word...
We met for lunch and we greeted eachother with the sweetest hug.

Everything about time just stood still.

(you hear people say these words & you think...

just words because you don't get it... now I get it :)

This is what I was talking about when I wrote in this someones letter
"I never thought you existed... you're the man I imagined when I was little..."
Moments like this hug and the feeling I got when I looked up and this someone was staring at me and the feeling i got when this someone gently brushed his hand on my face and pushed my hair back like he couldn't see enough of me or when we got up to from the table and this someone wrapped his arm around my waist and when this someone pressed his face up against mine as he was standing behind me and when this someone reached for my hand as we left the restaurant...
Public display of affection used to drive me crazy, make me anxious and unhappy. (another interesting fact about us... this someone knows what this means)

Not with him though! I look forward to anything this someone does to me, for me, with me...

This Someone makes time stand still...
This Someone makes my heart melt...
This Someone makes me happy...

I think I lived for the moment today...
*sigh*

Hard Decisions

So tonight a decision was made... a difficult one at that.
I contemplated how I would handle the call that would eventually take place. Actually, I contemplated taking the call at all and if I took the call how would I behave. Not how should I behave, but how would I behave.
Last night was the first time I felt anger for a consistent amount of time since some unfortunate circumstances have unravelled. Well, I felt angry for a brief moment the other day while having a conversation via IM and I immediately felt horrible and wanted to take it all back, so I did just that.
I'll never understand a fighter... You know the UFC fighters or boxers or wrestlers? They hurt other human beings physically... for a living... I can't hurt someones feelings much less hurt them physically. Except once I punched (ex idiot #1) a guy in the face! I must admit it felt INCREDIBLE! but he deserved it of course :l
Back to the Hard Decision...
So, while contemplating and feeling angry I tried putting the things I want aside and considering the things I don't want and putting them into perspective. I don't want this relationship to become hateful or negative. Nor do I want either of us to feel regret or resentment. These are all feelings and possibilities for both parties if we don't handle the situation with the same maturity and honesty as we have managed to do over the last 5 months.
I thought to myself... "if somethings not working, change it... as hard is it's going to be, maybe distance is best... you can't control the things that are supposed to happen..."
Today came and although I thought long and hard about what needed to happen, I was still anxious about this call because there were some things that were stated that had my feelings in an up roar! I didn't want to react! But, I kinda did...
I hate that I did, I wish tonight's conversation would have gone a little smoother especially since I'm not sure when we will talk again. As much as I try to absorb and "take it all in'' before I speak my mind or react to something or anything for that matter, I guess I'm still human. I still have emotions and ideas and hopes and wishes and feelings and needs and desires and all of these things can take over from time to time and make us behave out of character. I just hope he realizes that. I considered texting, but for some reason couldn't bring myself to do so. I felt like I would have interrupted...
It's funny how 2 people have so much in common, but handle certain situations so different. Hmm... is this another mystery?
So the Hard Decision was to stop communicating. *sigh*
Guess we'll see what happens?...

Career

My career and success in my career is an area in which I've never feared or doubted. I think I just came to this realization tonight?
About two months ago, I was asked to write a business proposal. When the requests came out of his mouth, I immediatley thought "What the hell am I going to write? We've been discussing partnership for the past couple years, what does he think I want?"
The moment I started writing, the ideas just came to me and the words dispersed across the page as though I had been contemplating my future for as long as I've been alive. It was the strangest thing, but it was exciting!
So, before me I saw in black and white, my future. I didn't doubt or fear my ideas or intent. Since I was in grade school, I always just new I would be successful in my career. Anything less than excellence was just unacceptable.
I really thought this way when I was that young... Crazy!
Anyway, my career has blossomed rapidly. This proposal was presented to the VP of my company about a month ago and this weekend I will be presenting ideas and proposals to the Houston Education Team.
The image I had when I was young, the one of me being great at business regardless of the form of business, I would be amazing! Well, that image is about to implode into success. Success beyond my expectations and clearly my expectations are high.
I'm intrigued with my attitude and confidence in this area of my life. I've never feared or doubted my abilities, loyalty, passion, worthiness or desire in this area of my life.
Why has it been so easy for me to see clearly in this area, but I struggle in others?
Modern Mystery!!! For me anyway...

To: denrelototx

I can remember the first time I saw your picture on my screen. It's still my favorite picture of you, the one where you are hugging DC. I had an idea of what you might be like just from looking at that picture and I must say... You exceeded my imagination :)
I never thought you existed.
What I mean is, you are who I've always imagined, the man who would do everything right, know what to say, when to say it. You're the man I imagined when I was a little girl and yes I imagined you because Boy was I Boy Crazy!
You make faces and noises that I can see and hear when you're not with me. I love it when you order for me and even though I have no idea what you're ordering, you get it right every time. I love how you're grip around my hand or my body never tapers even when you fall asleep. I love the way you giggle when you get excited about something. I love every personality you have and have enjoyed meeting everyone! I love it when you stand in front of me so I can rub your back. (no matter where we are) I love the way you love me!!!
I can remember the first time we kissed! It was perfection!!! The first date was just absurd, but I smiled for the rest of the day. I will never look at Olive Garden the same. Actually, I'll never look at chopsticks the same or cookie dough or pickles or cheese or cookies n cream ice cream or febreeze and every time I hear Boom Boom... LOL! I'm going to think of you!
You are amazing, brilliant, intelligent, pretty, surreal, affectionate, caring, angelic...
You are Perfect!
for me...
You will always have a piece of my heart!!!
The girl you're looking for exists... She dreams about you every night...

Love Always
zander1201

Daddy's

Call yours what you'd like... I like to call mine Daddy! :)

Tough as nails when we were young. I'm talking about the 6in, thick but sharp kinda nail that you didn't realize existed until you accidentally ran in to them at Home Depot while you were supposed to be searching for paint. (I got lost okay)

Daddy was "the threat!" You know the one you get from mom because you're misbehaving?Yeah... You know!
He was SO tough our relatives made him discipline their children. LOL

Well, we are all grown up now and all turned out to be quite amazing thanks to Daddy! Sweetest man you will ever meet :)

The sweetest words he's ever said to me...

"If you need me I'm here for you, I'm the one man in your life you can always count on."

I'll pause so you can wipe your tears...

Thanks Daddy! Those are words to remember and I will indeed :)

Living for the Moment

Okay, so this may not be a mystery to all, but it's a mystery to some.
When you are utterly content, comfortable, happy, whatever you want to call satisfied, why is it so hard to live for the moment. Instead you wonder what will be when the hour is done, when tomorrow comes, how about this weekend or next week? Continuing to wonder until you exhaust every thought of what might be.

When you really do google Life there should be laws!
Laws to Life...
Living for the Moment should be a law and if you break this law someone should scream

"Stop Breaking the Law A**Hole!"

-jim carey

LOL... c'mon that's funny :)

Emotions

Emotion = mystery

Not really, but is it ever!

Technically you can't hear or see them, only YOU can feel them, you can't control them, they can't be taken away from you...

Emotions are beyond a doubt, 100% YOURS!

Shouldn't we have a say so in regards to how they interact with our lives?

Mystery #4

Negative vs Positive

Maybe I should call this mystery #3?

I consider myself to be a positive person, but even I find myself feeling anxious about the "what ifs." I received a gift a few years ago, from a Negative, that's what we will call this person. The gift was a page out of a book that had been framed and matted. The story on the page was basically describing experiences or events the author would worry about on a daily basis. At the end of the page it reads "99% of the time the things we worry about never happen." More words to live by...

Humans are interesting when it comes to thriving on negativity. A very very dear person whom I hold close to my heart has been writing a blog and recently added some updates. One of his recent updates mentions some recent despair in a relationship and how it has him feeling kinda down. He tells me that everyone has been texting him asking "who is the person in the blog?" His question is "why are they so interested in my misery?"
I didn't have an answer at the time, but I later sent him a message that read, "It's funny how people thrive on the negative things... Like at work, you can count on an unhappy client blogging or calling headquarters about a 'bad experience' but how often does a 'completely satisfied' client blog or call about a "perfect experience" why do we ignore the positive and thrive on the negative?"

Most of my days I am the Positive, but it becomes difficult from time to time. The "what ifs" take over and you start to feel a little crazy. "Time heals the heart." Another good one. I guess we have to be patient, stay positive and remember that "99% of the time the things we worry about never happen."

Thanks Mom

Mothers...
It's another mystery in life as to why there are zero requirements to becoming a mom. (note i didn't say mother)
Well, it does require SOME criteria...

To BE A Mom You Must:

be female

have the ability to bear child

For one of the most important (if not the Most Important) jobs in the world shouldn't there be a list a mile long? Something like...

To Be A Mother You Must:

be a female

have the ability to bear child, love unconditionally, teach, give direction and grow

be compassionate, benevolent, loving, great listener, warm, nurturing...

I guess the difference is being a mom versus a Mother.
Lucky Me!! I have a Mother. You know one of those women that were born to be Mother's. Very warm and welcoming in every way possible. She's one of very very few people I wish to surround myself when I'm down. She knows when to say anything or nothing, what to say or how to say it. One of the most comfortable places is laying in her lap while she strokes my hair and tells me "give it time," "everything will work itself out," "everyone handles things different," "it's all a part of life." Talk about security and comfort... She knows just how to make it all better.

She's even wonderful to be around when things are up. As we have grown to be adults, it's been fascinating creating such a bond with her as a friend as well.
Great Mothers create Great Families and I'm so fortunate to be a part of something so Great!

Where to Start?

I guess Life is a mystery???
It is inconstant and unsteady and yet we must adapt at all times... Ready or Not!
Not always ready, but that is another puzzling piece of the mystery.

Challenges are among us day in and day out, so shouldn't there be a manual or even a remote? Whether it's related to work or personal my only guide seems to be Life Experience. It's hard to receive direction when the experience is what seems to guide you.
Guide ME anyway!
No matter who informs me, warns me, directs me... the experience seems to be my best instructor. Why is this?
I'm not sure, but I do know as I contend each challenge that is thrown my way, I feel accomplished.

Some favorite quotes:

"Life's not about finding yourself, It's about creating yourself."

"Sometimes things get worse before they get better, but they always get better."

"Everything happens for a reason."

All words to live by, to remember, to recite, but all easy to forget when life throws you a curve ball. How about a curve ball that strikes you out?...

A great friend is the best answer. Some recent challenges have unfortunately been thrown my way and a great friend writes me a letter. Part of the letter she lists "7 steps" that I should expect from my feelings. WOW! was all I could think... For a brief moment the curve ball left my sight and I realized how lucky I am to have such wonderful people in my life. I guess being particular in regards to the people I surround myself has its pay offs? :)