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I avoid doing or saying sometimes to avoid reactions that I don't want or situations I don't want or emotions I don't want, but in reality, things I don't want...
still happen *sigh*
My instincts have always been right. They seem to be wrong in regards the this matter, every time I think I know, the complete opposite will happen...
I want a remote control...
It only needs to have 2 buttons...
Play & Fast Forward...
No Pause! No Stop! No Rewind! No Record!
Just Play & Fast Forward.
Is this too much to ask for???
Two Buttons?
What if I promise to press each one only ONCE???

Coincidence?

Pulls the collar of your shirt up over you chin when your sitting on the couch or laying in bed...

Becoming the person you want to be...

Happy in every facet of life, but 1...

Passionate about life...

Enjoys making people happy, especially the one you love...

Loves to dance...

Loves to laugh...

*wrote and never posted...

Just In Case You're Wondering

Was that unexpected?

Absolutely!

Was that totally amazing?

Beyond my imagination!

Did I think it would ever happen again?

Can't say that I did.

Am I glad it happened?

You have no idea!

Have I wondered since then?

You bet!

Do I think about you any less?

Probably more!

Should I hesitate to think of you, write about you, dream about you, worry about you, see you or love you? Maybe. Perhaps. Possibly. Not quite sure.

Will I hesitate to think of you or write about you or dream about you or worry about you or see you or love you???

*something I wrote and never posted...

P.S. I LOVE YOU

ok, so i'm not sure what frightens me more...

scary movies or dramas or love stories...

scary movies are just scary.

well, now they're just beyond scary, they're horribe!!!

dramas are sometimes scary because they're possiblities and real life situations and they make you think and wonder about your own life.

love stories are scary because...

so, this sounds strange right?

let me explain.

P.S. I LOVE YOU...
it took me forever to watch this movie because i heard it was sad.
a love story that's sad...
that's really scary!

when i finally watched the movie, of course i cried, but for a strange reason.
i cried because i wanted what the characters in this movie had.
funny thing, i was in a relationship and i was sad because i wanted to be in a relationship with passion and desire and love and lust and like and preference.
i was so far from that kind of relationship it made me really sad. i watched the movie at my parents house and of course cried during the movie, then again on the way home. well, i was going to my house, a great house with a decent life and a negative partner with whom i shared a horrible relationship. how scary and sad.

anyway, i'm watching this movie tonight and realized i won't be sad this time, not the way i was last time because i now know that the kind of love the characters share in the movie does exist and it is real. i have felt passion and desire and love and lust and like and preference and although this is relationship has a ... at the moment, i'm just really happy ive been able to experience these feelings with someone special.

he makes me feel like im in the movies a fairytale a dream a wish a preference.
in the movie the characters mother disagrees with their relationship because she says "she loves him too much..."
"loving too much" hmm...
i think the loss, regardless of how or why you lose, not the feeling, but the person who makes you have these feelings, that's what makes it scary.

To Have Loved and Lost

Than to Have never Loved

hard to swallow, but i think it's true...
PSILOVEYOU

Preference VS Need

"Adult Relationships based on Need are Vulnerable..."
"Adult Relationships based on Preference are Strong..."

So this past Sunday was an emotional day. Obviously I am in the middle of ''something'' emotional and through this last month, my mother has taken the brunt of all my...

well...

I guess we can call it...

"Manic Behavior."

UGH!!!

My moods have been on a roller coaster!!! This entire year has been quite a ride, but maybe we'll discuss that later?

Anyway... back to this "Manic Behavior." I really don't know what else to call it. I think I've hit the nail on the head with "Manic Behavior!"

I keep saying it in my head and it sounds umm...

Manic! LOL

If you know me, you know that I have self control, I am positive, confident, strong willed, ambitious etc.

So, to think my behavior seems Manic is... absurd!

I am human, I have emotions and I express my emotions, but September has been unimaginable!

A few things to consider...
#1 What I am experiencing is... I'll be vague and say... IT SUCKS!!!
#2 I did start taking Birth Control earlier this month, enough said right?

(*sigh* i hate taking meds!!!)
#3 My Love Interest... denrelototx... This Someone... He... Him...
My relationship with him is??? ...

I have felt like a "Crazy"!!!

One of the "crazy" girls that you and I both know exist and are quite common. We have all met not just one, but several in our lifetime. I don't consider myself to be common or crazy and all I've been doing is behaving like a "crazy"...
Oh NO!!! I've been a "common crazy girl!!!"

*sigh*

So back to Sunday...

I decided to hang out with my brother. I was finally ready for a small change of environment and in need of some new faces. I felt my brother's company would do the trick and it did :)
After being at his home for a little while (he was watching the game and I was reading my book and tuning into the exciting plays when they happened) he finally asked, "So what's been going on?..."

I was strong enough to give him a brief explanation in regards to my recent distance and behavior. He started talking to me about a communications class he is taking and referred to some notes he had written down. On this page were several intriguing topics, but what immediately caught my attention was
"Adult Relationships based on Need are Vulnerable..."
"Adult Relationships based on Preference are Strong..."

Whoa!! Wow!! and WTF!?!? all ran through my mind!!!

Earlier that day I read my horoscope and it stated...
"You should be going through some strange mental upheavals today -- but they're almost all good for you! Expect some weirdly symbolic moments and deeply resonant conversations throughout the day."

I don't think I need to explain my reaction now, right?
The two "adult relationship" statements kept replaying in my head and I realized why everything I was going through seemed heightened.
#1 and #2 reason played a role, but my Preference VS my Need explained #3.

I kept asking myself...
Do I need him? or Do I prefer him?
repeat...
Do I need him? or Do I prefer him?
repeat...

The past 5months were flashing through my mind... everything we have experienced together, everything we've been through, decisions we have made, people we have met, emotions we have discovered and ignored and accepted...
All of it just played through my mind and I realized I don't Need him, I Prefer him!

I've Needed someone before...
STUPID!
Live and learn!
I learned!

I was in a Need relationship for WAY too long... I needed the security. I think it really all boiled down to security. Fearing other possibilities and not taking into consideration that Preferred Possibilities were possibilities too!

ANY Relationship I'm in...

I Prefer

I prefer to keep most people acquaintances and some people friends

I prefer to have strength in my relationships

I prefer to be with "This Someone"

because of the strength I feel in every facet of our relationship.

So my preference to be in an "Adult Relationship" explains my "manic behavior" or what I'd rather call (after coming to this realization) my "Strong Reaction"

Confused?
I'm not... :)

This Someone Is Someone Special

A few days ago I wrote someone a letter.
I spent the afternoon with this someone and it was...

INDESCRIBABLE!!!

Really, I can't think of any other word...
We met for lunch and we greeted eachother with the sweetest hug.

Everything about time just stood still.

(you hear people say these words & you think...

just words because you don't get it... now I get it :)

This is what I was talking about when I wrote in this someones letter
"I never thought you existed... you're the man I imagined when I was little..."
Moments like this hug and the feeling I got when I looked up and this someone was staring at me and the feeling i got when this someone gently brushed his hand on my face and pushed my hair back like he couldn't see enough of me or when we got up to from the table and this someone wrapped his arm around my waist and when this someone pressed his face up against mine as he was standing behind me and when this someone reached for my hand as we left the restaurant...
Public display of affection used to drive me crazy, make me anxious and unhappy. (another interesting fact about us... this someone knows what this means)

Not with him though! I look forward to anything this someone does to me, for me, with me...

This Someone makes time stand still...
This Someone makes my heart melt...
This Someone makes me happy...

I think I lived for the moment today...
*sigh*

Hard Decisions

So tonight a decision was made... a difficult one at that.
I contemplated how I would handle the call that would eventually take place. Actually, I contemplated taking the call at all and if I took the call how would I behave. Not how should I behave, but how would I behave.
Last night was the first time I felt anger for a consistent amount of time since some unfortunate circumstances have unravelled. Well, I felt angry for a brief moment the other day while having a conversation via IM and I immediately felt horrible and wanted to take it all back, so I did just that.
I'll never understand a fighter... You know the UFC fighters or boxers or wrestlers? They hurt other human beings physically... for a living... I can't hurt someones feelings much less hurt them physically. Except once I punched (ex idiot #1) a guy in the face! I must admit it felt INCREDIBLE! but he deserved it of course :l
Back to the Hard Decision...
So, while contemplating and feeling angry I tried putting the things I want aside and considering the things I don't want and putting them into perspective. I don't want this relationship to become hateful or negative. Nor do I want either of us to feel regret or resentment. These are all feelings and possibilities for both parties if we don't handle the situation with the same maturity and honesty as we have managed to do over the last 5 months.
I thought to myself... "if somethings not working, change it... as hard is it's going to be, maybe distance is best... you can't control the things that are supposed to happen..."
Today came and although I thought long and hard about what needed to happen, I was still anxious about this call because there were some things that were stated that had my feelings in an up roar! I didn't want to react! But, I kinda did...
I hate that I did, I wish tonight's conversation would have gone a little smoother especially since I'm not sure when we will talk again. As much as I try to absorb and "take it all in'' before I speak my mind or react to something or anything for that matter, I guess I'm still human. I still have emotions and ideas and hopes and wishes and feelings and needs and desires and all of these things can take over from time to time and make us behave out of character. I just hope he realizes that. I considered texting, but for some reason couldn't bring myself to do so. I felt like I would have interrupted...
It's funny how 2 people have so much in common, but handle certain situations so different. Hmm... is this another mystery?
So the Hard Decision was to stop communicating. *sigh*
Guess we'll see what happens?...